Lunchable Revolution

Okay.  I’m a food-a-holic, through and through.  I enjoy me some delicious foodness and I always have.  When I was a baby, I wanted only the highest quality of baby food.  HAH.

No, but in all seriousness, there are memories I have of being a kid.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “Wowski, really?  We all do, idiot.”  But follow me for a little bit…

I remember always having to beg my parents to buy me Lunchables.  AND THEY NEVER DID.  Not once.  Same goes for those fancy light-up shoes.  Or a basketball hoop.  Or a pool.  But I digress.

Seriously though, I always begged my parents for Lunchables, and they never ever bought me any.  Now that I’m less than a month away from being 23, I find it ironic that I throw up a big ole middle finger to maturity and buy these fucking things.  It’s retribution for my childhood.

How can you go wrong?!  Like 2 bucks and you get 4 cracker cheese turkey sandwiches, or whatever the hell other meals they have.  2 bucks!  Fantastic for a cheapskate like myself.  And considering that they’re somewhat filling, all the better.  They’re probably absolutely horrible for your body, but the fact that some kids a quarter of my size eat these makes me feel a lot better about it.  They could die from eating one of these, I’ll just stop being hungry.

The one’s that come with Capri Sun pouches are even more badass.  But the problem with that is that those Capri Sun pouches barely have enough liquid to coat my tongue with a thin layer of Sunniness.  I propose that Oscar Meyer or whoever manufactures Capri Suns to make a newer, bigger pouch.  How about they call it Capri Betelgeuse?  Why?  Because it should be fucking huge, and Betelgeuse is fucking huge compared to our sun.

That’s my stance.  So go out there, kids of the internet!  Consume those Lunchables!  And lobby for bigger Capri Suns!