The Burger Tour – 2017 Edition

This was Photoshopped by me, surprisingly.

That’s right kids.  Today is 2017’s National Cheeseburger Day, so after some contemplation as to what I’d have to eat today – I decided to revisit an evaluation we first tried nearly eight years ago.

The Double Cheeseburger Tour

God damn it’s been a while, and boy how things have changed.  Not sure if McDonald’s remodel had happened back in 2009, but I’m leaning towards not.  But anyway, let’s dive in shall we?

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The Trip Food Review – 8/24/2017

Day Two of the trip had quite a few surprises in store.  From the hotel’s continental breakfast to the Denny’s that wasn’t a Denny’s, let’s dive in:

Travelodge, Sturgis, MI

Usually when you hit up a hotel during a trip, you take the continental breakfast in the morning for granted.  Some fruit, juice, all the basic shit.

Well this was my first time staying at a Travelodge, and it was pretty par for the course.  But the breakfast was a little better than I was expecting.

There was cereal, fresh fruit, juice, coffee, but the real kicker was this do-it-yourself waffle maker.  Fill up a cup with batter, load up the iron, flip it over, wait for the preset timer to go off, and presto – perfectly done waffles.  I’ll be keeping an eye out for this craziness in the future, fo sho.  Once were fueled up, it was back on the road we went.

Wilton Cafe, Wilton, IA

Now this place was a complete surprise.  So for some back story, we were cruising down 80 and we were all starting to get cramped, hungry, and in need of a bathroom.  At my parent’s suggestion, we got off the highway near Durant, IA in search of food.  Subway was suggested, but that’s boring so I made the executive decision to pursue something elsewhere.

At a T intersection right after we got off the highway, there was a sign for the Wilton Cafe.  I said, “that’s where we’re headed.”  Headed down Historic U.S. 6 for a few miles till we entered Wilton, IA.  It was a cozy little town in the middle of the pancake that is Iowa.  The GPS routed us right there, we got out, stretched like our lives depended on it, and walked in the front door.

It was a pretty small cafe, but our waitress was friendly and took our orders.  I ordered a basic cheeseburger and fries, nothing too crazy.  Up until this point I had been evaluating all the local burgers back home, so I guess that kinda carried over to this stop.  After a few minutes our food showed up and I loaded the burger with some ketchup like any sane human being would.

Right before I bit into said burger, my mom piped up and basically said “Uh oh.”  I immediately thought it was some sugar-free or salt-free garbage ketchup, but no.  It was so much more than I was expecting.

That’s right.  Jalapeño ketchup.  I touched on this in an earlier post, but god damn this shit was off the charts.  A bit of bite, but nothing too unreasonable.  The burger was great, the fries with this ketchup were great.  I was chuffed, as the Brits say.

We paid the bill and got back on the road – next stop, Nebraska.

Village Inn, Papillion, NE

When my uncle first mentioned Village Inn, he said it was similar to Denny’s.  I can see the similarities, basic American fare, huge breakfast selection, etc.  But this definitely had a midwest vibe to it that Denny’s lacks.  If I recall right, I think we all opted for breakfast items, but mine was undoubtedly the unexpected one out of the bunch.

I ordered the first thing that caught my attention – the poblano smothered breakfast burrito.  This thing was legit.  Filled with chorizo, egg, home fries, and peppers.  The outside had more peppers, melted cheese, and a spicy red sauce.  If I imagined what a breakfast burrito would be like from Chipotle, this was it.  Mildly spicy, super filling, and really tasty.  I was impressed.

That said, I wasn’t really impressed with their other menu options.  It was pretty tame, nothing really stood out to me other than the burrito.  Denny’s is the same way lately, the usual standbys like the Sampler or a burger.  Village Inn was a solid stop, but nothing to rave about.

Now, the next stop I didn’t have anything to eat at, but it’s still worth talking about since alcohol is part of the food pyramid afterall.

Report In Pub, Omaha, NE

Since this was the only night I’d be able to hang out with my cousin, she said she and her fiance would be kidnapping me and taking me to a bar.  It was a little hole in the wall joint, but I could definitely dig the vibe.  I kept it simple with a couple Blue Moons, since I was dead tired from the drive that day.  Bullshitted for a bit then we bounced.

Worth mentioning, this place’s claim to fame is a Bloody Mary that will kick you in the face.  It’s one of those drinks that comes with a bunch of shit on a skewer in the drink.  Literally a burger slider, onion rings, etc.  Under other circumstances I totally would have had one.  Maybe next trip?

The Trip Food Review – 8/23/2017

Now that I’ve had a couple days to recuperate from our travels, it’s officially time to reflect upon the foods of Omaha.  Remember, the theory was to avoid eating at any place that we have locally here in NY.  So bear with me while I take you through the list of places I ate at, and what I thought of those places.

Arby’s, Fredonia, NY

I know, I know, I fucking know.  We have an Arby’s going in locally.  However…  While travelling, sometimes you gotta eat at a place that you’ve got locally.  And also technically, we weren’t out of New York yet, so how can one eat at a place not in NY if you’re still in NY?  Lawyered.

Anyway, I had myself a sweet Turkey Ranch & Bacon sandwich.  I had first experienced said sandwich with my man Branden entirely by accident, and I liked it.  This time, it was kind of lackluster.  I would have enjoyed a straight up roast beef sandwich a lot more at the time, but I digress.

Cleanliness was solid, food was solid, customer service was what you’d expect from a fast food joint off the highway.  We ate, I pillaged some free Wi-Fi, utilized facilities, then hit the road.

Culver’s, Sturgis, MI

Alright.  Now this is where my fuckin’ taste buds started getting pampered on this trip.  I first experienced a Culver’s a bunch of years ago when my parents and I traveled to Kansas.  Now, Culver’s claim to fame is the ButterBurger, a burger made with locally(ish) raised beef, and the bun is buttered and seared on the grill.  Absolutely epic.  I knew this had to be one of my stops on this trip.

At this stop I had the ButterBurger Deluxe – twin patties with all the fixins.  Let me tell you, when the burger was gone I almost went up and got another.  And then I thought about grabbing one before we hit the road the next morning.  Then I started thinking about finding another Culver’s once we reached Omaha.  It was that good.  Such a shame New York doesn’t have something as awesome as this.

Friendliness of the staff was a treat, everyone was super friendly and polite.  Makes New York fast food joints look like dumps, to be honest.  Cleanliness was fine, and although we hit up pretty late in the day, there were still a decent number of people there.  We ended up sitting next to a group of kids (recently gradgitated maybe), but they didn’t make me want to murder them so it wasn’t all that bad.

Highly recommend this place.  Literally, to anyone.  Go there if you have one.

Figured I’ll break these posts up by day since I’m a fatass and went to a lot of restaurants.  Stay tuned for Day Two.

Duel of Caffeine

Okay, it’s time for some Real Talk right now.  I think the time has come to do another Tour, but this time – between Dunkin and Timothy’s.  The two quintessential corporate coffee shops in town, and I need to evaluate their iced, sugar-filled disasters of drinks:

The Mocha Coolatta and the Iced Mocha Capp.

Bring on the caffeine, bitches.


What the hell is this?  When I was a little kid, M&M’s were the shit.  Small portable chocolatey goodness.  The best part was the shell, so you didn’t get melted chocolate all over your grubby little child hands.

Well I’m 23 now and I still love M&M’s.  Maybe not to the same degree as a caffeine, sugar-deprived little shit of a 7 year old, but you know.  Now I’m like 160 pounds heavier and still caffeine deprived.  Whatever.  I saw this bag of Hershey blasphemy at the store the other day.

Are you serious?  Yes, I really did see it at the store.  HAHA, not what I meant, but yeah I’m serious, what the hell is that?  Oh hey, we’re gonna remove the shell of the M&M that has prevailed for the greater part of a century and rename it HERSHEY’S DROPS.  Hohoho it’s like a fricken MMORPG, “Oh hey, check out what this bag I just slayed DROPPED.”

Retarded.  That’s what that is.  After a few minutes of sitting in your hand it would be like a giant chocolate seagull took a massive diarrhea shit in your hand.  Wowski, talk about imagery!  My English teacher would be proud.  Hershey, this is a bad idea and a bad product.  Don’t be mad at Mars for beating you to the punch 50 years ago.  Thanks.


As it turns out they make these in different flavors.  Like cookies and cream…!  And they also apparently come with a wax outside.  I think they may have redeemed themselves to a degree.